i have decided to end everything. i won't care anymore. i never had a true one by my side before anw. i don't know whether is it me thinking too much or what but i just felt something is different. i don't feel welcome. maybe jealousy kills? i think that's the reason. i swallowed everything down. i pretend. and i will continue to pretend. i'll keep pretending till i'm finally out of there. sometimes pretending that everything's that is going on is fine makes me feel better. maybe i should pretend more. pretend not to hear. pretend not to know that my existence is not important. pretend a smile even when i'm at my worst. pretend that i'm not hurt when deep down i'm about to die.

yeah don't dwell into this post. don't assume that i'm referring to whatever you're thinking. no one reads my blog anymore anyway so it doesn't really matter. im just pouring out whatever that has been kept inside my heart for quite some time. not trying to stir up problems or anything. i just don't bother anymore.

now i understand how she feels.